NWsource, Please listen to "a thousand years" by Christina perri as you read this. Tonight I sit here thinking about you, about all the times we shared the kind of love you described in your emails when we broke up. I told myself I wouldn't put my heart out there for you again, but I just can't contain myself from not doing so. I want to yell it from the top of the mountains and constantly tell you how much I love you. You are my one and only. I'm sorry I hurt you the way I did. I was not in a good place in life and that caused me to make many choices in life I am not proud of. I'm sorry for not being there for you like I should've, I'm sorry I didn't thank you enough for every sacrifice you made for me such as taking me to work right after your shifts and for always worrying about me in your own way, for buying everything I needed and wanted, for always protecting me from whatever you could, from teaching me about life, from being my everything. I'm sorry for pushing you away in the very end even though my heart was screaming at me, telling me not to. I messed up. I gave up the love of my life because I didn't know how to ask for you to wait for me to be healed and ready to love you like you deserve. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you. I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel I thought someone else's opinions mattered more than yours. I'm sorry I made you go through the hurt of breaking up with you. I'm sorry I closed off after the loss of our baby. I should've let my walls down for you because you're worth it. Im sorry for not being there when you needed me the most, the times you pleaded for me to stay and I turned my humanity side off so I wouldn't hurt. I'm sorry for not putting your needs in first place at all times. I'm sorry for performing a "Stephan move" on you, I hate myself for it now that I've turned it off. With that being said, I know you've done the same, you've pulled that "Stephan button". I know you love me too, I know you want to spend the rest of your life with me just like I do. I know you feel hurt and even though you said you've forgiven me, (I know you better than I know myself), I know you're still hurting and are currently distracting yourself of that pain. I know you will turn off that button one day and I know I will be here waiting for you to tell me you want to give us another shot, but this time things will be different, we will do things right from the get go. When you're ready to admit to me how much you love me back, I am ready to do the following: 1). Be there for you like I never have before I, including right now that you say you don't know what you feel. 2). Be humble, be slow to anger, be fast to love you and catch you when you're falling 3). Take your teachings with grace rather than being stubborn and pretend that what you're teaching me isn't right 4) love you like the bible says, " 1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 5). Be closer to my father as I have started to do so which will make me closer to you 6). Draw closer to God and listen to him rather than all the noise simple human beings Whose opinions of how life should work keep changing by the day. 7). Pray as much as possible so God can guide me when it comes to living my life and loving you. In the meantime I will prepare myself to love you the way I've always wanted to. I will do all the things we've discussed. I will continue reaching my goals and one day, you will come back and see how far I've come along and you'll be ready to share the life we always talked about with me. I will always love you BP and I will wait for you to turn your button on again. You and only you have been capable of guiding me back to God and for that I will always and forever love you. I don't care about the rest. I love you with all my heart more than anything in this world and I always will.
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